Yet again I was there... Irritated and flustered. Helplessness overgrowing, situation when I have no control and I desparately attempt to murder my emotions and focus on the hellish problem at hand. There are conflicts, sudden outbursts.. uncontrollable tides of emotions. Earlier, I lost my temper. Now I dont. I just swirl the feeling inside my stomach....meditate, cry and pray. And guess what.. nothing works!
The feeling is that of exasperation, its a vexation of not being able to assert, not being able to set it right and getting hurt in the process. We get hurt all the time, isnt it? Someone told me once, in a state of anger - shut up! Do not speak for 5 minutes and then formulate a revenge or an apology strategy. Trust me, this bull crap never works. My annoyance eats me from inside for 3 days. With great difficulty, I have now stumbled on a solution... and here it is folks.
First, accept: In a conflict, or a break-up, or a fight, or in anger and frustration - there are no winners. Whether you speak your mind out - or u shut up - or you try to assert yourself. NO ONE WINS. Hence forget about strategising this bit. It is better to avoid such situations.. but once you are in it, accept that either the trauma of conflict will suffocate you or your own feebleness will .
Handle the situation AT THAT TIME...Do not save it for later. DO NOT abuse and DO NOT disrespect.. and TRY NOT TO Get PERSONAL, even if its a personal someone. Its all tough to keep in the head. But even at the cost of losing yourself in utter humiliation - do not abuse or lose respect. Keeping this in mind, speak your mind out. The situation loses relevance later. Take a few moments of silence to clear the air.. but after that speak! What if the other is raging away, asking for answers but not giving you a chance to speak? Beg for an opportunity. Try begging... seriously.. it helps. Beggars can be choosers here. Ask for 2 minutes of un-interrupted talk time. Now what will you say? Kill your ego - and accept your mistakes. This hurts like crazy for the first minute and then gets better. Acknowledge that you have done them wrong. Very funny, you say, right? What if I dont have a mistake? Cant be. Those moments of silence would open the can of worms. You will see the darker side of yourself.. Try. Gently and slowly admit your blunders, or lack of foresight or simple stupidity. This usually throws the other person off guard. And maybe you have resolved it somewhat. Next step is where assertion plays a big role. Propose the change or the solution - on your side as well as theirs. The change that will avoid this hurt.. the change that will make life slightly better. This should be a plan devoid of intense emotions - simple pleasant steps. Whether the person agrees or not is his matter - but at least you have got him to think of the solution. Hopefully the next few minutes will result in adult argument only and you would be able to walk out with a little dignity left. Maybe, he also offers a better solution. Now, it could also be that he sticks to swearing or cursing you. You may give up at that point - and walk away. And say, we'll talk about this later. You may also break relations if it really is going nowhere. Remember guys, whether you are dealing with family, friends or girl-friends - you are not responsible for them. Everyone's life is their personal matter. Do not work too hard on changing them. Stick to your own.. In 20 years, you will feel bad about yourself rather than anyone else.
What about the other person's mistake then? When do we get to that part? All right, here is what I do. I forgive. I just dont bring up what went wrong with the other's behaviour. I focus on my own mistakes. Thats it. As long as the other person agrees to my solution or gives a better one.. I dont have to waste my time on explaining how he hurt me.. At least not in a situation of anger and bitterness. Usually, people dont appreciate it. You may bring it up later if ever there is an opportune moment. Else forget it. Like I said, his life is none of your business!
The very last bit is about managing your own emotions. What about the hurt you got in this whole lifespan of outburst? I told you before, there are no winners here. The hurt will stay. Massage your ego a little bit by positive affirmations. Munch a chocolate. Call a friend for some comfort and soothing. Thats all you can do. The situation will still remain like a blade stabbed in your heart. But maybe the bleeding will reduce.
The steps have helped me the last times and hence I wanted to share it. There will be many more messy situations in life.... if I find answers again, I'll come and share them - else I'll come looking for them.
Cheers
Bushhopper
